"I Got It, But I Didn't Get It ... til now"

10 week countdown ...

It amazes me. I can't believe that I'm an adult, a grown woman, yet there is so much for me to still discover about my identity, my womanhood, my purpose. Sometimes I feel like a child...one who acknowledges their lesson in life yet slow to learn it. Haha, its like I got it, but I didn't get it.

"Geez, God, why did you make us humans so capable?"

I've been told that I'm very independent, self-reliant, capable, determined, and strong willed. Recently, a friend of mine even told me that I was so independent that I don't allow others to do anything for me. (Perhaps that is true 95% of the time) Yes, I am a woman of many trades, crafts, and talents ... I am very adaptable. As much as I would love to gloat about myself ... ... This week being capable did not feel like a wonderful thing. Doing things in my own strength, all on my own again, that's a pattern I have not been able to break. I keep telling myself and others "I got it!"

It's never been a gift of mine to ask for help. But this past week, I'm reminded once again that I can't do everything on my own. No one ever really does it on their own. And I realize that my problem is not because I am a very capable person, because even then my capabilities have limits; my problem is pride. I have been able to pride myself in doing things without the help of certain people in my life because I was told that I would never amount to nothing, that I was a disappointment, that I was not good enough, that I was crazy, that it would be too hard for me ... and so what keeps me self-reliant is my pride; I got it, I can do it without your help. The crazy thing is that, I've been applauded and recognized for the work that I am able to do on my own (and many times by default because no one was there to help). In my previous work, its almost glorified to a certain extent and expected. So it easily became a norm for me.

Being a one woman show is not what God created me for. As humans we are meant to be in community. We are meant to need one another. We are meant to compliment each other. We are meant to be a family. We are meant to work together.

Silly me. Pride comes before the fall of man. Oh how many times have I fallen and not learn from the fall. So blinded by pride that I couldn't even see I was tripping over my pride.

So yes, NOW, I GET IT. Asking for help does not mean I'm less capable. Asking for help doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm doing. Asking for help is simply just that, asking for help. Because no one person truly does life on their own. And I wouldn't want to live life all alone. I am blessed to have family and friends who are willing to help me. So Thank You family and friends for all your help.

So what do I need help with? Well, those of you who know me well know that I am not very good at taking care of myself, but I will take care of everyone else. I guess I get that from my mom too! (oh boy, MOM, if you are reading this, that is somewhat a compliment).

1) pray that I will find balance in everything I do and say including making time to feed myself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

2) FOCUS-because I am use to multi-tasking and managing simultaneous projects I've developed A.D.D. My brain will generate ideas, insights, solutions, anything really 24-7. Every little thing is an inspiration for something. Pray that I will keep focus on the priority at hand and not divert my attention to other low-priority things.

3) Pray that I keep my impulses in check. I can be very impulsive. Remember my lesson last week, "be slow to anger" ... yeah I blame that on the middle-child syndrome. Just kidding. I need to remind myself to keep my emotions in check, my thoughts in check, my actions in check, and my spirit in check.