He Teaches Me

November 1, 2014 I'm 11 weeks from my 30th birthday and my son, Sean, is three years old. I never imagined that I would be a mom, at least not at this age, and especially when I've had my fair share of negative experiences with my own mother. However, I understand her now more than ever. I understand why she worries, why her words may not come out right though her intentions are in the right place, why certain words sound harsh, why she cries, why she complains, why she hurts, where her burdens come from ... I understand why she is prideful, stubborn, hard-working, determined, not a quitter but a fighter, why she speaks her mind (I respect her for this especially coming from a culture where women are to be submissive in their silence), why she is self-reliant & independent, why she pushes her children so hard, why she throws herself in the face of danger, why she protects, why she provides, why she prays. As a mom, doing the best I can to raise my son, I understand much more. I was a rebellious teen, an angry child, a prideful and stubborn child, one who spoke her mind and challenged cultural & religious norms that were hyprocritical ... Yes, I am like my mother in this way. Some people tell me that, but they mean it in a negative way ... I don't care. God created me as my mother's child. I take on some of her imperfections, and because I recognize what they are I can learn to be better, I can learn to utilize those imperfections in a way that can be uplifting and encouraging to someone else. I remember fighting or debating with my mother every day over different things. I was an angry girl. So much rage was within me. I was a girl on fire in the inside but in public, at school or church, I learned to be a good quiet little girl. I received many academic awards and athletic awards, which made my mom proud to a certain extent and she loved to brag to family and friends about it, but there were days where that B+ I studied so hard for was not good enough. The feeling of inadequacy, neglect, and hurt still resonate so strongly within me this day, but I'm learning to let it go and to set healthier emotional trends for my son. Today my son was acting like a normal three-year old jumping on furniture, giving me an attitude, sneaking to eat his halloween candy ... kids they are definitely too smart for their own good. This evening I became frustrated and upset with him because I told him to stop "play fighting" with his best brother (combination of best friend & brother) and climbing the coffee table (of course this is the coffee table he uses to "shake his booty" and sing "happy birthday momma" and play his drum beats with asian chopsticks). I yelled at him to stop it and finally picked him up and brought him into the room. I said he was going to bed early and of course he cried like a baby. After 15 minutes or so of sitting next to me in the bed and crying, he stopped, calm down, and asked me, "momma are you mad at me?" I responded, "Yes, I'm mad at you a little bit because you didn't listen to me." Sean responded, "I'm sorry momma. It was an accident." I told him "it's ok, next time please be patient and not angry ok." It's mind blowing to me sometimes. How does a toddler even develop the emotion of anger? I mean they get to start out with no knowledge of emotions or understanding...right? And then it strikes me ... He learns how to be angry through me. He reprimands his iPad when it doesn't understand what he wants it to do (like me), he storms off when he is mad (like me), he cries under the pillow or blanket (like me), Oh boy ... he is so much like me. My son taught me to be slow to anger and quick to listen today. He also taught me to be mindful of how I respond and react to things. So I want to be mindful and patient with my words and actions. I am not perfect. I do not know all the answers. But what I do know, is this, that 1) God is always with me, 2) God sees beauty in my imperfections, and 3)God is my source of strength and wisdom as I do my very best to raise my son Blessings,