He Called Me Beautiful

I was mesmerized when he called me beautiful. He looked into my eyes and said "you're beautiful..." At the sound of those words I can feel all the walls I built around my heart crumble down. 

(Oh, the power of words, how they can easily build up as much as destroy).

To hear such pleasant words was like honey to the soul. To be called beautiful, it felt as though he looked pass my imperfections, appreciated my humanness, and accepted me for who I am and who I am not. Wow, he must have an amazing mother, to know and see such beauty ;-)

It makes me wonder, if beauty is subjective to the beholder of the eye, where does his perception of beauty come from? At what age do you recognize what is beautiful or develop the understanding and meaning of beauty? Am I responsible as a mother to teach my child this or is it something my child will just learn as he assimilates into society? Does the definition of beauty begin with me? 

... Oh man,  I think its true, so much of me defines, shapes, and builds the man my son is going to be. Of course, as he grows, his ideas and philosophy will be influenced by his life experiences and other things. But for now his concept of beauty and of life, starts with me ... his mother.

Rediscovering myself, I am learning as a mother and a daughter, the impact of being a parent. As a parent, we teach our children who they are, where they come from, their self-worth, we help form the core of their identity. Our words hold so much power over their lives. 

For my 3 year-old son to call me "beautiful," it was the most invigorating feeling. "You're beautiful Momma," in his sweet little man voice, those words flushed the hurt in my heart, sunked it like the Titanic, and pierced a light of life into me...that fresh morning air. I felt as though I finally did something right in a very long time. And in a very long time I finally felt loved and appreciated, I felt like a woman and above all else, I felt complete. 

My prayer and hope is that my son will grow up to be a man who appreciates true beauty and cultivate beauty in others. I pray that his identity is rooted and built on solid ground and solid truth. I pray that as his mother I will be an exemplary role model of beauty, love, and truth. I pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to choose to live a life that sets the standard high, to rise above any labels that society and institutions have placed on me, to become the woman that is worthy of such words, "you're beautiful" inside out.

To all the mothers raising a young man, I commend you. The world needs more good men, so don't give up doing your best, making wise choices, have faith, be strong and courageous. And mothers, the world needs more good women too, so lets build our daughters with strength, integrity, and beauty through our words and actions.

To all the good men out there, continue to love on us and appreciate us, it motivates us to be our best.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NKJV) "Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

"I Got It, But I Didn't Get It ... til now"

10 week countdown ...

It amazes me. I can't believe that I'm an adult, a grown woman, yet there is so much for me to still discover about my identity, my womanhood, my purpose. Sometimes I feel like a child...one who acknowledges their lesson in life yet slow to learn it. Haha, its like I got it, but I didn't get it.

"Geez, God, why did you make us humans so capable?"

I've been told that I'm very independent, self-reliant, capable, determined, and strong willed. Recently, a friend of mine even told me that I was so independent that I don't allow others to do anything for me. (Perhaps that is true 95% of the time) Yes, I am a woman of many trades, crafts, and talents ... I am very adaptable. As much as I would love to gloat about myself ... ... This week being capable did not feel like a wonderful thing. Doing things in my own strength, all on my own again, that's a pattern I have not been able to break. I keep telling myself and others "I got it!"

It's never been a gift of mine to ask for help. But this past week, I'm reminded once again that I can't do everything on my own. No one ever really does it on their own. And I realize that my problem is not because I am a very capable person, because even then my capabilities have limits; my problem is pride. I have been able to pride myself in doing things without the help of certain people in my life because I was told that I would never amount to nothing, that I was a disappointment, that I was not good enough, that I was crazy, that it would be too hard for me ... and so what keeps me self-reliant is my pride; I got it, I can do it without your help. The crazy thing is that, I've been applauded and recognized for the work that I am able to do on my own (and many times by default because no one was there to help). In my previous work, its almost glorified to a certain extent and expected. So it easily became a norm for me.

Being a one woman show is not what God created me for. As humans we are meant to be in community. We are meant to need one another. We are meant to compliment each other. We are meant to be a family. We are meant to work together.

Silly me. Pride comes before the fall of man. Oh how many times have I fallen and not learn from the fall. So blinded by pride that I couldn't even see I was tripping over my pride.

So yes, NOW, I GET IT. Asking for help does not mean I'm less capable. Asking for help doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm doing. Asking for help is simply just that, asking for help. Because no one person truly does life on their own. And I wouldn't want to live life all alone. I am blessed to have family and friends who are willing to help me. So Thank You family and friends for all your help.

So what do I need help with? Well, those of you who know me well know that I am not very good at taking care of myself, but I will take care of everyone else. I guess I get that from my mom too! (oh boy, MOM, if you are reading this, that is somewhat a compliment).

1) pray that I will find balance in everything I do and say including making time to feed myself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

2) FOCUS-because I am use to multi-tasking and managing simultaneous projects I've developed A.D.D. My brain will generate ideas, insights, solutions, anything really 24-7. Every little thing is an inspiration for something. Pray that I will keep focus on the priority at hand and not divert my attention to other low-priority things.

3) Pray that I keep my impulses in check. I can be very impulsive. Remember my lesson last week, "be slow to anger" ... yeah I blame that on the middle-child syndrome. Just kidding. I need to remind myself to keep my emotions in check, my thoughts in check, my actions in check, and my spirit in check.

He Teaches Me

November 1, 2014 I'm 11 weeks from my 30th birthday and my son, Sean, is three years old. I never imagined that I would be a mom, at least not at this age, and especially when I've had my fair share of negative experiences with my own mother. However, I understand her now more than ever. I understand why she worries, why her words may not come out right though her intentions are in the right place, why certain words sound harsh, why she cries, why she complains, why she hurts, where her burdens come from ... I understand why she is prideful, stubborn, hard-working, determined, not a quitter but a fighter, why she speaks her mind (I respect her for this especially coming from a culture where women are to be submissive in their silence), why she is self-reliant & independent, why she pushes her children so hard, why she throws herself in the face of danger, why she protects, why she provides, why she prays. As a mom, doing the best I can to raise my son, I understand much more. I was a rebellious teen, an angry child, a prideful and stubborn child, one who spoke her mind and challenged cultural & religious norms that were hyprocritical ... Yes, I am like my mother in this way. Some people tell me that, but they mean it in a negative way ... I don't care. God created me as my mother's child. I take on some of her imperfections, and because I recognize what they are I can learn to be better, I can learn to utilize those imperfections in a way that can be uplifting and encouraging to someone else. I remember fighting or debating with my mother every day over different things. I was an angry girl. So much rage was within me. I was a girl on fire in the inside but in public, at school or church, I learned to be a good quiet little girl. I received many academic awards and athletic awards, which made my mom proud to a certain extent and she loved to brag to family and friends about it, but there were days where that B+ I studied so hard for was not good enough. The feeling of inadequacy, neglect, and hurt still resonate so strongly within me this day, but I'm learning to let it go and to set healthier emotional trends for my son. Today my son was acting like a normal three-year old jumping on furniture, giving me an attitude, sneaking to eat his halloween candy ... kids they are definitely too smart for their own good. This evening I became frustrated and upset with him because I told him to stop "play fighting" with his best brother (combination of best friend & brother) and climbing the coffee table (of course this is the coffee table he uses to "shake his booty" and sing "happy birthday momma" and play his drum beats with asian chopsticks). I yelled at him to stop it and finally picked him up and brought him into the room. I said he was going to bed early and of course he cried like a baby. After 15 minutes or so of sitting next to me in the bed and crying, he stopped, calm down, and asked me, "momma are you mad at me?" I responded, "Yes, I'm mad at you a little bit because you didn't listen to me." Sean responded, "I'm sorry momma. It was an accident." I told him "it's ok, next time please be patient and not angry ok." It's mind blowing to me sometimes. How does a toddler even develop the emotion of anger? I mean they get to start out with no knowledge of emotions or understanding...right? And then it strikes me ... He learns how to be angry through me. He reprimands his iPad when it doesn't understand what he wants it to do (like me), he storms off when he is mad (like me), he cries under the pillow or blanket (like me), Oh boy ... he is so much like me. My son taught me to be slow to anger and quick to listen today. He also taught me to be mindful of how I respond and react to things. So I want to be mindful and patient with my words and actions. I am not perfect. I do not know all the answers. But what I do know, is this, that 1) God is always with me, 2) God sees beauty in my imperfections, and 3)God is my source of strength and wisdom as I do my very best to raise my son Blessings,