Happy Mother's Day Mom

(I just realized it has been about 2 years since my last blog post! Yikes!)

You see, growing up as a Lao (Southeast Asian) – American child, I often grew up misunderstanding my mother’s intentions towards me. Mom would say silly things like, “If you let a guy touch your hand, you can get pregnant.” (I know, I know … I know! But it’s kinda true!) After middle school I finally learned about sex education and discovered that that is not how you get pregnant exactly. (I’m having an Adam Sandler “Waterboy” moment here LOL). Mom said the darnest things to instill fear in hopes of preventing us kids from making a very poor choice.

Every day, not just once a year, I’m reminded of the hard work, struggles, trials and triumphs my mother endured to see that I have an opportunity to succeed in life. Just about every parent’s hope is that their child/children will live a better life than they did. Mother’s day is a day to honor my mother’s resilience, hard work, struggles, victories, accomplishments, but most importantly my mother’s love for me. If her life was not about raising and protecting me, I would not be the mother I am today. I am the mother I am to my son today because I had a mother who cared for me beyond measure, who loved me in the midst of my stubbornness and rebellion, who cared about my future existence enough to go out of her way to stop me in my tracks of making the wrong decisions … (Oh yes she did, I’ll share over a cup of coffee should you want to know).

So today this daughter wants to say “sorry mom. I didn’t understand when I was a little girl, but now that I’m a woman and a mother, I understand now. I love you even more today for being an example of perseverance, resilience, boldness, courage, and a force to be reckoned with! I hope and pray that I will live a life that you can be proud of. If anything, I hope to be half the woman you are!" (Mom, I already know what your response is to this statement is: You need to be the woman I am and more because you need to be better! LOL … yes mom, I will be better!)

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! Thank you for teaching me that giving up is not an option for a mother. I love you!

Reflections on Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability: Why We Struggle

          Brene's lecture on "'How To' Doesn't Work" opens with her sharing, "If 'HOW TO' worked none of us would be struggling." In today's world with immediate access to information at the swipe of a finger, learning how to do it yourself has become a phenomena. But even with open access to all this information, why is the world not yet perfect? Why do we still have obesity, depression, illness, unhealthy habits, bad credit, and all the other problems we should be able to fix because we have "How To" articles and Youtube videos? Personally, "How To" doesn't work all the time for me. However, it is a good resource when I feel as though I'm lacking in something. Ultimately following these "how to" instructions are not effective if an individual cannot understand why the problem exist in the first place. I can't recall at the moment where I heard this from, but this struck a chord with me instantly upon hearing it, "when you don't know why, you are powerless."

"We live in a culture today where somehow this idea that if we're not doing extraordinary, huge, public things, that we are not enough."

        The feeling of inadequacy often discourages me; not having enough, not being enough, not giving enough, ... enough, enough, enough! Why do I feel that I what I have and what I am is not enough; where does this come from?

"…we live in a culture of deep scarcity defined by this: Never enough."

        Living in a world where materialistic things symbolize social status and wealth, no wonder we struggle, because nothing will ever be enough. Envy and competition will increase the demand for individuals to be better than the other. What is better will than set standards defined by the winner ... and even then, those standards of perfection will be gone like the next trend because nothing is never enough. 

       And so it makes me wonder, what are we living for? Why do we struggle with (fill in the blank)? What’s feeding this deep scarcity? If I have the bare necessities to be alive, why is it not just enough to exist? Because we are human. We are a species that long for connection and value. We are a people that need meaningful and purposeful relationships.

Reflection on Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability

Recently I've been guided to listen to this series of lectures by Brene Brown, who is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She also is an author and public speaker. She has spent the last few years researching the topic "Shame" and has come across a common pattern ... The Power of Vulnerability.

As I go through this series, I want to use this blog to personally share some key points from the lectures. My hope is that as I share my personal reflections that it would be a resource and guide for others to seek out self-care in replenishing the soul, spirit, mind and body.  As I am taking the time to do that I hope the in-pouring of my own well-being can be an out-pouring of blessings. I am indebted to those who have taken time and resources to invest in my growth and development to be whole.

Brene Brown's series introduction begins with this:

"Today we live in a culture of scarcity a culture of 'never enough.' This scarcity culture of 'never enough' teaches us that we can never have enough success, money, beauty, or power to be safe. The greatest casualties of scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness."

I don't know about you but being vulnerable sounds like a weak thing to do. In fact, because of many negative situations in my life, TRUST does not come easily for me. You see, to trust is to be vulnerable, be open to anything, to allow good and bad to lift you or hurt you. And that was the kind of risk I didn't like to take. For me, when big events happen in my life, whether traumatic and chaotic, I've learned to suppress my emotions and carry-on. I've learned to smile with a heartache. I tell myself, "Don't let the 'enemy' see where you are bleeding, because that's where he'll strike for the kill." Not knowing who I could trust, I did my best to keep the depths of my inner wounds in a locked secured place so that no one can find it. Because if the world knew where I was hurting most, they would take it and sell it to the highest bidder or spread it around like cancer ... yes my fear is that the world would not know how to treat my vulnerabilities to good health but rather kill me with it. Wounds of that magnitude will only decay over time and a heart that once loved effortlessly will become callused. I know this from my own personal experience and sadly through the testimonies of others.

So why do we try so hard to conceal our own vulnerabilities when we already live in a world that is hurting and dying? Why can't we just own our vulnerabilities and be liberated by it? When we are broken why do we pretend that we are whole? I'll tell you this, for me, there was no corner small enough where I could feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Not even the places where I have sought refuge felt safe enough to be broken. This place of worthiness, where does it exist for broken people?

I am still broken, very broken. Where one piece of me becomes whole, another remains broken or partially filled. And although I am made up of broken pieces, my worthiness comes from a place where I am reminded I am unconditionally and dearly loved ... that place is at the cross where Jesus Christ paid it all.

You can check out Brene Brown here:
http://go.ted.com/bvJ3

Up Next: Reflections on The Power of Vulnerability: Why We Struggle

"One word describing my year is a four-letter word starting with the letter F."

I’m celebrating 30 years of life today.

As the New Year arrived and as this day was approaching, I couldn’t help but reflect on my year in 2014. So much has happened in so little time. And as time waits for no one, my emotions are left like an orphan. The world will go on while I deal with piercing wounds, uncertainty, life-decisions that will dictate the course of everything I do, responsibilities, transitions, and all the things that can feel overwhelming.

One word describing my year is a four-letter word starting with the letter F. 

I have lost many things that I held dear. I have endured many kinds of words that have challenged me. But in the midst of trials, I found enlightenment, humility, grace, understanding, people I can truly call friends, and most importantly renewed strength. It was a year of burn out and burning down; a year of being in the line of fire, on fire, under fire, in the fire … … 2014 was a year of FIRE.

Fire is known for burning things down, destroying, and leaving not a trace of what was once there. But fire is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is a good thing. Prescribed fire is used for various things such as land modification and making steel. 

As fire is used to mold and reshape things, I'm reminded of the refining process:

"In order to refine the bloom iron into a usable form, the iron needed to be repeatedly re-heated at welding temperature, between 2200 and 2700 degrees F depending of the carbon content, and repeatedly hammered or worked. This welding/forging/welding process reduced or “burned off” the excess carbon in the atmosphere of the forge and essentially “forced out” the other impurities through hammering, bending, and pressing. This made the metal free enough of impurities to make it workable.” (barbariankeep.com)

So where does that leave me now? It’s a new year, I’m getting older … but not aging (thanks Mom & Dad!), and time is counting down, death is inevitable. I’m still in the hammering, bending, and pressing process. Being an independent person since a very young age, I have done many things in my own strength and find it very challenging to ask for help. I have also become accustom to suppressing emotions that I don’t allow myself to feel. After all, who has time to feel when the world is not waiting for you to wipe your tears? You learn to be head strong … heart strong … you learn to be so strong that you weaken the very essence of your existence …

… God. 

“My God is so great, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do,” remember that Sunday school song we were taught when we were little itty bitty kids? It’s so very basic that even my 3 year old can comprehend. So why as an adult, is it so hard to believe that sometimes? We forget. We get distracted. We lose line of sight. We are discouraged. We depend on our own capabilities rather than the power of God. SO that means I have to get back to the basics of obedience through submission.

Moving forward, what is there in store for 2015? 
Renewed Hope. Renewed Joy. Renewed Strength. Renewed Peace. Renewed Spirit. Renewed Faith.

2014 Highlights:
- returning to school. completed my first semester with a 3.75 GPA
- encountered encouragement and healing in unexpected places & people
- working with SRO Housing Corporation for 30th Year Gala (Jan.22) You're Invited!
- surviving 6 months +HandsforAfrica 
- Sean Robert eating brownies:

Words of Encouragement:
"the key is learning to be content with yourself"
"this is not man's army, this is God's army"
"you just have to take it one day at a time"

On Going Projects: 
- learning HTML & CSS via +Codecademy 
- learning video production via iMovie & Final Pro Cut
- seeking avenues to improve database management for non-profit sectors
- 33 more units until Marketing-Management Degree is completed

He Called Me Beautiful

I was mesmerized when he called me beautiful. He looked into my eyes and said "you're beautiful..." At the sound of those words I can feel all the walls I built around my heart crumble down. 

(Oh, the power of words, how they can easily build up as much as destroy).

To hear such pleasant words was like honey to the soul. To be called beautiful, it felt as though he looked pass my imperfections, appreciated my humanness, and accepted me for who I am and who I am not. Wow, he must have an amazing mother, to know and see such beauty ;-)

It makes me wonder, if beauty is subjective to the beholder of the eye, where does his perception of beauty come from? At what age do you recognize what is beautiful or develop the understanding and meaning of beauty? Am I responsible as a mother to teach my child this or is it something my child will just learn as he assimilates into society? Does the definition of beauty begin with me? 

... Oh man,  I think its true, so much of me defines, shapes, and builds the man my son is going to be. Of course, as he grows, his ideas and philosophy will be influenced by his life experiences and other things. But for now his concept of beauty and of life, starts with me ... his mother.

Rediscovering myself, I am learning as a mother and a daughter, the impact of being a parent. As a parent, we teach our children who they are, where they come from, their self-worth, we help form the core of their identity. Our words hold so much power over their lives. 

For my 3 year-old son to call me "beautiful," it was the most invigorating feeling. "You're beautiful Momma," in his sweet little man voice, those words flushed the hurt in my heart, sunked it like the Titanic, and pierced a light of life into me...that fresh morning air. I felt as though I finally did something right in a very long time. And in a very long time I finally felt loved and appreciated, I felt like a woman and above all else, I felt complete. 

My prayer and hope is that my son will grow up to be a man who appreciates true beauty and cultivate beauty in others. I pray that his identity is rooted and built on solid ground and solid truth. I pray that as his mother I will be an exemplary role model of beauty, love, and truth. I pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to choose to live a life that sets the standard high, to rise above any labels that society and institutions have placed on me, to become the woman that is worthy of such words, "you're beautiful" inside out.

To all the mothers raising a young man, I commend you. The world needs more good men, so don't give up doing your best, making wise choices, have faith, be strong and courageous. And mothers, the world needs more good women too, so lets build our daughters with strength, integrity, and beauty through our words and actions.

To all the good men out there, continue to love on us and appreciate us, it motivates us to be our best.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NKJV) "Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

"I Got It, But I Didn't Get It ... til now"

10 week countdown ...

It amazes me. I can't believe that I'm an adult, a grown woman, yet there is so much for me to still discover about my identity, my womanhood, my purpose. Sometimes I feel like a child...one who acknowledges their lesson in life yet slow to learn it. Haha, its like I got it, but I didn't get it.

"Geez, God, why did you make us humans so capable?"

I've been told that I'm very independent, self-reliant, capable, determined, and strong willed. Recently, a friend of mine even told me that I was so independent that I don't allow others to do anything for me. (Perhaps that is true 95% of the time) Yes, I am a woman of many trades, crafts, and talents ... I am very adaptable. As much as I would love to gloat about myself ... ... This week being capable did not feel like a wonderful thing. Doing things in my own strength, all on my own again, that's a pattern I have not been able to break. I keep telling myself and others "I got it!"

It's never been a gift of mine to ask for help. But this past week, I'm reminded once again that I can't do everything on my own. No one ever really does it on their own. And I realize that my problem is not because I am a very capable person, because even then my capabilities have limits; my problem is pride. I have been able to pride myself in doing things without the help of certain people in my life because I was told that I would never amount to nothing, that I was a disappointment, that I was not good enough, that I was crazy, that it would be too hard for me ... and so what keeps me self-reliant is my pride; I got it, I can do it without your help. The crazy thing is that, I've been applauded and recognized for the work that I am able to do on my own (and many times by default because no one was there to help). In my previous work, its almost glorified to a certain extent and expected. So it easily became a norm for me.

Being a one woman show is not what God created me for. As humans we are meant to be in community. We are meant to need one another. We are meant to compliment each other. We are meant to be a family. We are meant to work together.

Silly me. Pride comes before the fall of man. Oh how many times have I fallen and not learn from the fall. So blinded by pride that I couldn't even see I was tripping over my pride.

So yes, NOW, I GET IT. Asking for help does not mean I'm less capable. Asking for help doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm doing. Asking for help is simply just that, asking for help. Because no one person truly does life on their own. And I wouldn't want to live life all alone. I am blessed to have family and friends who are willing to help me. So Thank You family and friends for all your help.

So what do I need help with? Well, those of you who know me well know that I am not very good at taking care of myself, but I will take care of everyone else. I guess I get that from my mom too! (oh boy, MOM, if you are reading this, that is somewhat a compliment).

1) pray that I will find balance in everything I do and say including making time to feed myself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

2) FOCUS-because I am use to multi-tasking and managing simultaneous projects I've developed A.D.D. My brain will generate ideas, insights, solutions, anything really 24-7. Every little thing is an inspiration for something. Pray that I will keep focus on the priority at hand and not divert my attention to other low-priority things.

3) Pray that I keep my impulses in check. I can be very impulsive. Remember my lesson last week, "be slow to anger" ... yeah I blame that on the middle-child syndrome. Just kidding. I need to remind myself to keep my emotions in check, my thoughts in check, my actions in check, and my spirit in check.

He Teaches Me

November 1, 2014 I'm 11 weeks from my 30th birthday and my son, Sean, is three years old. I never imagined that I would be a mom, at least not at this age, and especially when I've had my fair share of negative experiences with my own mother. However, I understand her now more than ever. I understand why she worries, why her words may not come out right though her intentions are in the right place, why certain words sound harsh, why she cries, why she complains, why she hurts, where her burdens come from ... I understand why she is prideful, stubborn, hard-working, determined, not a quitter but a fighter, why she speaks her mind (I respect her for this especially coming from a culture where women are to be submissive in their silence), why she is self-reliant & independent, why she pushes her children so hard, why she throws herself in the face of danger, why she protects, why she provides, why she prays. As a mom, doing the best I can to raise my son, I understand much more. I was a rebellious teen, an angry child, a prideful and stubborn child, one who spoke her mind and challenged cultural & religious norms that were hyprocritical ... Yes, I am like my mother in this way. Some people tell me that, but they mean it in a negative way ... I don't care. God created me as my mother's child. I take on some of her imperfections, and because I recognize what they are I can learn to be better, I can learn to utilize those imperfections in a way that can be uplifting and encouraging to someone else. I remember fighting or debating with my mother every day over different things. I was an angry girl. So much rage was within me. I was a girl on fire in the inside but in public, at school or church, I learned to be a good quiet little girl. I received many academic awards and athletic awards, which made my mom proud to a certain extent and she loved to brag to family and friends about it, but there were days where that B+ I studied so hard for was not good enough. The feeling of inadequacy, neglect, and hurt still resonate so strongly within me this day, but I'm learning to let it go and to set healthier emotional trends for my son. Today my son was acting like a normal three-year old jumping on furniture, giving me an attitude, sneaking to eat his halloween candy ... kids they are definitely too smart for their own good. This evening I became frustrated and upset with him because I told him to stop "play fighting" with his best brother (combination of best friend & brother) and climbing the coffee table (of course this is the coffee table he uses to "shake his booty" and sing "happy birthday momma" and play his drum beats with asian chopsticks). I yelled at him to stop it and finally picked him up and brought him into the room. I said he was going to bed early and of course he cried like a baby. After 15 minutes or so of sitting next to me in the bed and crying, he stopped, calm down, and asked me, "momma are you mad at me?" I responded, "Yes, I'm mad at you a little bit because you didn't listen to me." Sean responded, "I'm sorry momma. It was an accident." I told him "it's ok, next time please be patient and not angry ok." It's mind blowing to me sometimes. How does a toddler even develop the emotion of anger? I mean they get to start out with no knowledge of emotions or understanding...right? And then it strikes me ... He learns how to be angry through me. He reprimands his iPad when it doesn't understand what he wants it to do (like me), he storms off when he is mad (like me), he cries under the pillow or blanket (like me), Oh boy ... he is so much like me. My son taught me to be slow to anger and quick to listen today. He also taught me to be mindful of how I respond and react to things. So I want to be mindful and patient with my words and actions. I am not perfect. I do not know all the answers. But what I do know, is this, that 1) God is always with me, 2) God sees beauty in my imperfections, and 3)God is my source of strength and wisdom as I do my very best to raise my son Blessings,