Happy Mother's Day Mom

(I just realized it has been about 2 years since my last blog post! Yikes!)

You see, growing up as a Lao (Southeast Asian) – American child, I often grew up misunderstanding my mother’s intentions towards me. Mom would say silly things like, “If you let a guy touch your hand, you can get pregnant.” (I know, I know … I know! But it’s kinda true!) After middle school I finally learned about sex education and discovered that that is not how you get pregnant exactly. (I’m having an Adam Sandler “Waterboy” moment here LOL). Mom said the darnest things to instill fear in hopes of preventing us kids from making a very poor choice.

Every day, not just once a year, I’m reminded of the hard work, struggles, trials and triumphs my mother endured to see that I have an opportunity to succeed in life. Just about every parent’s hope is that their child/children will live a better life than they did. Mother’s day is a day to honor my mother’s resilience, hard work, struggles, victories, accomplishments, but most importantly my mother’s love for me. If her life was not about raising and protecting me, I would not be the mother I am today. I am the mother I am to my son today because I had a mother who cared for me beyond measure, who loved me in the midst of my stubbornness and rebellion, who cared about my future existence enough to go out of her way to stop me in my tracks of making the wrong decisions … (Oh yes she did, I’ll share over a cup of coffee should you want to know).

So today this daughter wants to say “sorry mom. I didn’t understand when I was a little girl, but now that I’m a woman and a mother, I understand now. I love you even more today for being an example of perseverance, resilience, boldness, courage, and a force to be reckoned with! I hope and pray that I will live a life that you can be proud of. If anything, I hope to be half the woman you are!" (Mom, I already know what your response is to this statement is: You need to be the woman I am and more because you need to be better! LOL … yes mom, I will be better!)

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! Thank you for teaching me that giving up is not an option for a mother. I love you!

"One word describing my year is a four-letter word starting with the letter F."

I’m celebrating 30 years of life today.

As the New Year arrived and as this day was approaching, I couldn’t help but reflect on my year in 2014. So much has happened in so little time. And as time waits for no one, my emotions are left like an orphan. The world will go on while I deal with piercing wounds, uncertainty, life-decisions that will dictate the course of everything I do, responsibilities, transitions, and all the things that can feel overwhelming.

One word describing my year is a four-letter word starting with the letter F. 

I have lost many things that I held dear. I have endured many kinds of words that have challenged me. But in the midst of trials, I found enlightenment, humility, grace, understanding, people I can truly call friends, and most importantly renewed strength. It was a year of burn out and burning down; a year of being in the line of fire, on fire, under fire, in the fire … … 2014 was a year of FIRE.

Fire is known for burning things down, destroying, and leaving not a trace of what was once there. But fire is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is a good thing. Prescribed fire is used for various things such as land modification and making steel. 

As fire is used to mold and reshape things, I'm reminded of the refining process:

"In order to refine the bloom iron into a usable form, the iron needed to be repeatedly re-heated at welding temperature, between 2200 and 2700 degrees F depending of the carbon content, and repeatedly hammered or worked. This welding/forging/welding process reduced or “burned off” the excess carbon in the atmosphere of the forge and essentially “forced out” the other impurities through hammering, bending, and pressing. This made the metal free enough of impurities to make it workable.” (barbariankeep.com)

So where does that leave me now? It’s a new year, I’m getting older … but not aging (thanks Mom & Dad!), and time is counting down, death is inevitable. I’m still in the hammering, bending, and pressing process. Being an independent person since a very young age, I have done many things in my own strength and find it very challenging to ask for help. I have also become accustom to suppressing emotions that I don’t allow myself to feel. After all, who has time to feel when the world is not waiting for you to wipe your tears? You learn to be head strong … heart strong … you learn to be so strong that you weaken the very essence of your existence …

… God. 

“My God is so great, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do,” remember that Sunday school song we were taught when we were little itty bitty kids? It’s so very basic that even my 3 year old can comprehend. So why as an adult, is it so hard to believe that sometimes? We forget. We get distracted. We lose line of sight. We are discouraged. We depend on our own capabilities rather than the power of God. SO that means I have to get back to the basics of obedience through submission.

Moving forward, what is there in store for 2015? 
Renewed Hope. Renewed Joy. Renewed Strength. Renewed Peace. Renewed Spirit. Renewed Faith.

2014 Highlights:
- returning to school. completed my first semester with a 3.75 GPA
- encountered encouragement and healing in unexpected places & people
- working with SRO Housing Corporation for 30th Year Gala (Jan.22) You're Invited!
- surviving 6 months +HandsforAfrica 
- Sean Robert eating brownies:

Words of Encouragement:
"the key is learning to be content with yourself"
"this is not man's army, this is God's army"
"you just have to take it one day at a time"

On Going Projects: 
- learning HTML & CSS via +Codecademy 
- learning video production via iMovie & Final Pro Cut
- seeking avenues to improve database management for non-profit sectors
- 33 more units until Marketing-Management Degree is completed

He Teaches Me

November 1, 2014 I'm 11 weeks from my 30th birthday and my son, Sean, is three years old. I never imagined that I would be a mom, at least not at this age, and especially when I've had my fair share of negative experiences with my own mother. However, I understand her now more than ever. I understand why she worries, why her words may not come out right though her intentions are in the right place, why certain words sound harsh, why she cries, why she complains, why she hurts, where her burdens come from ... I understand why she is prideful, stubborn, hard-working, determined, not a quitter but a fighter, why she speaks her mind (I respect her for this especially coming from a culture where women are to be submissive in their silence), why she is self-reliant & independent, why she pushes her children so hard, why she throws herself in the face of danger, why she protects, why she provides, why she prays. As a mom, doing the best I can to raise my son, I understand much more. I was a rebellious teen, an angry child, a prideful and stubborn child, one who spoke her mind and challenged cultural & religious norms that were hyprocritical ... Yes, I am like my mother in this way. Some people tell me that, but they mean it in a negative way ... I don't care. God created me as my mother's child. I take on some of her imperfections, and because I recognize what they are I can learn to be better, I can learn to utilize those imperfections in a way that can be uplifting and encouraging to someone else. I remember fighting or debating with my mother every day over different things. I was an angry girl. So much rage was within me. I was a girl on fire in the inside but in public, at school or church, I learned to be a good quiet little girl. I received many academic awards and athletic awards, which made my mom proud to a certain extent and she loved to brag to family and friends about it, but there were days where that B+ I studied so hard for was not good enough. The feeling of inadequacy, neglect, and hurt still resonate so strongly within me this day, but I'm learning to let it go and to set healthier emotional trends for my son. Today my son was acting like a normal three-year old jumping on furniture, giving me an attitude, sneaking to eat his halloween candy ... kids they are definitely too smart for their own good. This evening I became frustrated and upset with him because I told him to stop "play fighting" with his best brother (combination of best friend & brother) and climbing the coffee table (of course this is the coffee table he uses to "shake his booty" and sing "happy birthday momma" and play his drum beats with asian chopsticks). I yelled at him to stop it and finally picked him up and brought him into the room. I said he was going to bed early and of course he cried like a baby. After 15 minutes or so of sitting next to me in the bed and crying, he stopped, calm down, and asked me, "momma are you mad at me?" I responded, "Yes, I'm mad at you a little bit because you didn't listen to me." Sean responded, "I'm sorry momma. It was an accident." I told him "it's ok, next time please be patient and not angry ok." It's mind blowing to me sometimes. How does a toddler even develop the emotion of anger? I mean they get to start out with no knowledge of emotions or understanding...right? And then it strikes me ... He learns how to be angry through me. He reprimands his iPad when it doesn't understand what he wants it to do (like me), he storms off when he is mad (like me), he cries under the pillow or blanket (like me), Oh boy ... he is so much like me. My son taught me to be slow to anger and quick to listen today. He also taught me to be mindful of how I respond and react to things. So I want to be mindful and patient with my words and actions. I am not perfect. I do not know all the answers. But what I do know, is this, that 1) God is always with me, 2) God sees beauty in my imperfections, and 3)God is my source of strength and wisdom as I do my very best to raise my son Blessings,